DON’T TAKE YOURSELF TOO SERIOUSLY.

One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever heard – “DON’T TAKE YOURSELF TOO SERIOUSLY.”
I tend to think and have very high expectations of myself (which is good), but sometimes it overtakes me and affects how I operate. I become this rigid mess of a person piecing things together that may not necessarily fit.
And It’s an exhausting place to be – high stress and high let downs.
Hearing those words – “DON’T TAKE YOURSELF TOO SERIOUSLY.” felt SO freeing to hear (It felt freeing to write just now too)!
When I take a second to think about it, nothing is ever THAT deep. Perhaps that’s why “DON’T TAKE YOURSELF TOO SERIOUSLY,” has resonated so much with me…
I want to accomplish my goals and live and thrive, but I also have to loosen up and enjoy the journey. Otherwise, I’ll miss everything and never quite get that “live” part down.
Since hearing and heeding this amazing advice, here’s what I’ve gained from it:

1. A constant reminder that nothing is really that deep. (And some amazing self-soothing moments where I’m murmuring to myself “chill out bruh.”)

2. Permission to forgive myself. I’m human and faulty. I’m allowed to make mistakes AND forgive myself for them too.

3. Trust that God’s on my side. If I’m following God and what I feel led to do, there’s no failure in that. I’ll Learn and gain something from everything that I do and get through any and every obstacle presented.

4. Focus on the important things. When that drowning or overwhelming feeling surfaces, being reminded not to take myself too seriously helps me simplify things mentally, which helps me to focus on the important things.

5. Freedom. Free to be in the moment and to learn and grow and enjoy the fact I’m not always going to get it right on the first, second or umpteenth try, but I am free to keep going and striving.

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Life gets sticky and difficult and challenging, but in the midst of everything we have to find peace and trust that everything will be completely ok. We have to learn to savor and enjoy and not get so uptight and serious about everything that we forget what we’re living for. If life becomes a bit blurry/hectic/overwhelming/hard look in the mirror and say – “DON’T TAKE YOURSELF TOO SERIOUSLY.”
-Lauren
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I was depressed.

I was depressed.

So part of relinquishing is sharing – sharing the good, bad and sad.

And  today, I cried and I needed it. I needed to remember where I came from and reflect on where I am today.

*I wrote this post 2 months ago and am just now finding the courage to share*

They started a series on depression at church today. I was a little surprised because I hadn’t realized the series I’d been attending for 5 weeks was over and to be honest it was so right on time, so I was sad we had to move on to another topic. But I felt a little something telling me to just tune in and listen even though I felt this new series on depression didn’t pertain to me. Afterall, it is a great topic to speak about (especially since depression affects the black community).

Anyways the whole time I was sitting there as if the sermon didn’t pertain to me really but as the pastor continued to tell his story I felt my heart growing closer and closer to his because I knew exactly the pain he felt; the loneliness he spoke of; the lost and trapped feeling he shared.

It’s been over 2 years and I’m just now coming to terms that I was battling depression during that time. The crazy thing is how seemingly great things seemed on the outside but how crumbly and broken and achy I was on the inside. I had no idea what I was going through, why I felt like I did.  I just knew I didn’t feel much like myself and I was sad most the time.

I did this thing called closet-crying. Literally I’d cry in my walk-in-closet at the apartment I shared with my boyfriend. Whether you cry near your clothes or in a bathroom or in your car or wherever you do it…if you’re crying/hurting in private, you too are closet-crying.

I’d talk a little to others, but speaking things out loud to people didn’t really come naturally for me. It’s not that I didn’t have people, I just didn’t know who to talk to or what to tell them because I was having a hard time understanding for my darn self what in the world was going on. So I usually just remained quiet and stayed busy with all my activities but my energy to do those things changed a bit. I was always tired (fatigued would probably be a better word). I’d set alarms to get up but would sleep so hard I’d miss them. Probably because I was wrestling so hard mentally that I wore myself out which resulted in me having less and less…less to give to the day, to others, to myself, to work…etc.

I think my relationships is where I felt it the most..especially my boyfriend. Poor thing. I’m embarrassed to think about how many times he came to me addressing issues and needing feedback and how unable I was to give him anything except some tears and an “I don’t know. I’ll work on it” (which I almost never did). There were also times I’d go to places where I knew almost everyone but I’d walk in and feel like everyone was a stranger and they weren’t my friends. I specifically remember a campus event where I walked past tables full of my Sorors, mentees, classmates, friends, advisors, etc and couldn’t even bring myself to say “hi” because I was convinced that no one was nor wanted to be my friend. I acted out of character ALOT and would have out of body experiences where I’d see myself and know it wasn’t me, but couldn’t stop myself from blocking others off or throwing a temper tantrum over something trivial.

I didn’t feel like much of a friend to anyone…including myself.

It was all very strange for me. I didn’t seek out professional help because I didn’t actually know I needed help. But there was this one day in class when I couldn’t focus on anything they were talking about (this was common) and under the table I managed to type in “Why are people jealous?” in google.

Jealousy was one of my symptoms that I felt was really different for me and worse than it had ever been. So this probably marked the start of my “searching” period where I was tired of being lost and was thinking it’d be better to be found.

Slowly but surely, reading some of those googled topics and the psychology articles I found helped me to ask questions of myself and realize I wanted to find the root of where all of my symptoms were coming from.

I still never thought to speak to a professional at this point and I’m not really sure why – probably because I was independent and didn’t elicit help often. Probably because I was ignorant and still didn’t think it was necessary. Shoot…I really didn’t know any better.

Long story short I continued to deal on my own. And after another night of finding myself sitting  on my closet floor crying and exhausted I asked for God to help me. He’s a good listener. And for about 3 months or so I felt I had this invisible  helper with me that’d whisper and nudge me toward certain things like driving in silence and just letting things be quiet and peaceful. I also got the nudge to start letting go.

The hardest was my boyfriend. We dated since freshman year in college and spoke about one day being married, but because of the state of our relationship and also my inability to participate in it full time, it left us at odds with one another. We loved each other because we were best friends but the whole situation was hurtful and hard on both of us. We were graduating in a couple months and deep down we both knew we weren’t going to make it carrying on how we were. Not to mention I had a job offer back home in Cincinnati and he didn’t want to move to Ohio for several reasons. So that left me with my job in Cincinnati and him doing his own thing elsewhere. So we parted ways after we graduated.

That time after graduation was really hard at first because I was kind of isolated. Although Louisville wasn’t far, it felt distant and in the past most the time. One of my childhood friends was back in Louisville and the other was in the Cincinnati area, but I still felt lonely at times. I had my momma too but I still wasn’t much of a talker. I tried to keep myself busy mostly to avoid alone time with myself, so I decided I wanted to move and go into an MBA program so I reached out to advisors and friends and researched schools and cities and I had this excel sheet compiled with preferences. I got as far as doing a campus tour and even having a school call me, but she asked the fateful question of “Why do you want to pursue an MBA?” Although a very typical and expected question I finally faced several things at that moment –

  1. I have no idea why I’m trying to pursue an MBA
  2. I want to have a reason to move and start fresh.

(3 is the one that got me)

  1. I was AVOIDING something.  

So when I got home I went to my computer and closed all the open tabs for schools and all of my started applications; I closed essays; I closed everything and said no more running. And that’s when I started taking things one day at a time and stopped trying to plan escapes and all of my future all at once.

I’m looking back now and realizing it’s been an eventful and interesting couple of years. I’m sitting in my car in the church parking lot now and still not clear on everything, but i know I’m supposed to be writing this out right now. I’m in a different space mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically.  I’m so grateful for that, but I also know the journey continues.

I made it to church 45 minutes after it started and found myself sitting in that chair for a reason today. I needed to hear all of that message. I needed to remember and be reminded. And to be really honest, I tried to write down a couple thoughts and move on with the day, but a whisper told me to stay and write this out.  So I’m letting it out. I’m sharing…

Relinquishing.

-Lauren

Some destinations require re-routing [VIDEO]

Stopping in to drop some mid-week encouragement on y’all because sometimes it’s hard in these streets!! 

For instance –  we don’t always get to our destination on the first try or in the exact order of the plan, but that’s ok! Remember to stay encouraged along the journey – you’ll get there eventually, even if that means a re-route or you learn of something better instead!

https://youtu.be/OwwcOKy2onQ

What Are You Searching For?

What are you searching for?

Be honest.

If you were to look over your last couple hours/days/weeks/months, how have you been spending your time? What kind of activities have you been engaging in? What have you spent your money on?

Think about it. Did you find a common theme(s) ruling all of your time?
I posed those questions because I found that the way I was spending my time, was not in fact aligned with what I proclaim to want.

We say we want one thing, yet we may lack the actions and behavior to get that. So I ask you, what are you searching for? 

Are you searching for affirmation and confirmation? If so, who are you looking to, to affirm and confirm you?

(If you’re waiting on a human, please know: if you live for their praise, you’ll also die from their criticism)

Are you searching for love? If so, who/what are you wanting/attempting to get it from? Does God love you? Do you love yourself? Are those two sources not enough for you? Why is that? Dig deeper! (You may be amazed at what you find out and need to change your mind on…)

(Please know: God’s love is enough. Of course others’ love is applauded and needed too, but if your foundation of love isn’t set upon God’s, you’ll search endlessly for the love you think you need/want.)

Are you searching for purpose? If so, are you basing your purpose on fleeting things? Are you searching by comparing what everyone else is doing?

(Please know: you were created on purpose for a purpose and your purpose is absolutely and positively, UNIQUE TO YOU. Spend time asking God what He has for you and then be patient and open enough to hear/see/do what he reveals to you.)

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I encourage you to be honest about what you’re searching for and your means to get it. If there’s a gap between what you’re looking for and how you’re attempting to get it, then reevaluate your actions and behavior and then put forth work to change things. For me, God is a great giver of instructions and guidance – so I encourage you too, to talk to Him (He’s waiting to hear from you).

-Lauren❤️