Frankly, I don’t know the origins of the widely recognized “Giving Tuesday” or what it’s all about; and I may be using “giving” in the wrong sense, but either way, today, I gave myself so I could receive what someone was giving to me.
Some may call it random, but I know it was not. I was finishing up an appointment and needed to send out a couple emails before heading to my next one so I felt this inkling to stop into this little cafe bakery that I passed earlier.
It’s one of those places that has a cozy look on the outside and looks like it has the best homemade treats in the city. So I found a spot right in front of The Sugar Hill Bakery and gathered my things to go inside. I got to the door and it totally wasn’t what I was expecting. I was immediately greeted by decor that was enchanting and amazing and so inviting all at once. And if that wasn’t enough, Caryn and Naomi were super welcoming as well.
I still had work brain on so I wasn’t paying attention at first, but then it became very clear that God brought me to that wonderful little cafe for a reason. After finishing a local menu favorite, Nancy came by to say hello and somehow we just kind of launched into conversation which led to her providing confirmation on some things I’d been working through.
- Cherish the uncomfortable. (If you’re uncomfortable, it’s GOTTA be God)
- Focus on taking 2 inches a day. (You’re not going to accomplish everything at once, but if we can commit to keep moving (at least 2 inches/day), then we’ll make progress)
- Set deadlines. (You’ll surprise yourself at what you’re able to accomplish)
- Be the poorest person in the cemetery. (The richest place on earth is the cemetery because people die and all of those talents and gifts God gave them often go unused and instead get buried with them. Don’t die having never actualized the gifts & talents God gave you; share them now instead of burying them in the ground.)
The visit was so timely for me. I needed to hear what she was sharing and receive them, just as much as she needed to share. God has a crazy way of uniting souls with a purpose that leaves both feeling empowered and motivated to continue on.
If I hadn’t slowed down to listen, I would have missed those gems she gave me. A lot of times at work, I’m moving 100 mph and I’m not always the greatest listener, but I allowed myself to indulge…I gave my attention and ears and heart and I’m so glad I did.
I want to be careful not to lose my sense of curiosity. We get into routines and patterns, that sometimes limit our ability to notice the small whispers that tell us to “slow down,” “listen to that,” “talk to that person,” or even “stop there.” I serve a very unpredictable God that moves in peculiar ways, so if I’m strictly on my agenda, I’ll miss things or even worse, become insensitive to experiencing God.
I am thankful that I was led to The Sugar Hill Bakery & Cafe. I am also very grateful for the love and kindness Caryn, Naomi and Nancy shared with me on Giving Tuesday and I’m especially grateful for the words that Ms. Nancy imparted on me that gave me confirmation; It meant the world to me! ❤
1. A constant reminder that nothing is really that deep. (And some amazing self-soothing moments where I’m murmuring to myself “chill out bruh.”)
2. Permission to forgive myself. I’m human and faulty. I’m allowed to make mistakes AND forgive myself for them too.
3. Trust that God’s on my side. If I’m following God and what I feel led to do, there’s no failure in that. I’ll Learn and gain something from everything that I do and get through any and every obstacle presented.
4. Focus on the important things. When that drowning or overwhelming feeling surfaces, being reminded not to take myself too seriously helps me simplify things mentally, which helps me to focus on the important things.
5. Freedom. Free to be in the moment and to learn and grow and enjoy the fact I’m not always going to get it right on the first, second or umpteenth try, but I am free to keep going and striving.
Back in 2015, I wrote this…
I’m sharing today.
It’s crazy tho; had this small thing not happened, I don’t think I’d even be married now.
Be careful what you carry-on…
I travel a lot. For work mostly. About 2-3 times a month during busy season. So you’d think with that frequency, I’d be a pretty expert traveler, right?
Well, the other night I went through security, and one of my carry-ons got stopped. I quickly remembered my lotion and thought they would just take that. To my surprise they took both of my new Shea butter mixes, coconut oil AND body lotion.
I don’t know if you’re familiar with the consistency of Shea butter, but pure Shea is kind of hard and often takes some prodding to get it to a usable form – you have to kind of do a deep finger scoop, and then rub your palms together for the butter to melt.
Of all things, I was least worried about the Shea because its not liquid. After explaining that to the TSA with no avail, I abruptly turned away from the additional security screening area where the woman may or may not have still been talking (I know, I know. That was rude, but shorty was upset). I kind of lost patience when she told me to check them knowing darn well there was no way for me to check those things once I’d gone thru security and still make my flight.
I’ve gotten so many similar products thru security, I really was surprised. I’m still kind of mad writing this, but as I stomped away, I had to just put on some music to calm down. However another voice spoke louder than whatever track was playing.
“Lauren, don’t worry about leaving some things behind.”
Not going to lie, at this point, a tear was on the verge of rolling down my pouty face.
“Don’t get so worked up over the things you have to leave behind. Some things you just have to buy/recreate again.”
Talk about watery eyes in public.
Before I even got off the train that takes you to different parts of the airport, I was at such peace with what just happened 7 minutes prior. Mostly because God has a crazy way of speaking into my life at the times I need it most. It didn’t just resonate with my TSA experience but that message also applies to other areas of my life.
In my relationship, I can’t bring all of the things that I want or think I need – some things simply just HAVE to be left behind.
At the end of the day, TSA took my products because it was a matter of safety and security for all people. In that same way, some of the things that I have to leave behind in my relationship, are for the safety and security of the relationship. Some of the bad habits, attitudes, etc. could harm the relationship as a whole. Therefore it’s important that I not carry some things on board (even if it hurts or costs me).
“When we don’t understand something is a gift, we won’t give it the proper credit [appreciation/time/love] it deserves” – Luvvie Ajayi
Sometimes, I silence my voice or deny myself an opportunity to experience and enjoy something because I fail to realize it’s a gift. I downplay it or I ignore it or a I take it for granted.
I have to practice calling my love what it is. I have to stop calling my passion a hobby and better yet, I have to stop treating my passion as a hobby. If I love it, it’s only right that I do/be it.
A lot of times, fear stands in the place of execution. Or even that annoying voice that tries to tell me I’m not special/unique/original/creative/pretty/entrepreneurial/confident enough to do what I want to do/be. But I am enough. I am dope as is in whichever space I choose to find my truth.
Not everyone can do what YOU do. No one else can BE YOU. There may be some very similar in the same field or lane, but YOU hold your own special place. No one (not one) can take that which is yours. So give your gift it’s proper credit. Love on it; Call it by it’s name; pursue it!
PS: I don’t know if y’all have been listening to the Jesus and Jollof podcast by Luvvie Ajayi and Yvonne Orji, but episode 3 and 4 blessed my ENTIRE soul so much so that I keep re-listening and finding new nuggets. Take a listen!
This is a quick share simply to affirm in you (and myself) TRUTH. Love y’all – Lauren
As I finished my corporate workday, this question continued to be asked of me “…But Lauren, who do you say you are?”
I’d think on it for a second and then lose focus and continue on with my work. After the 4th time I figured I should probably take the question seriously. If God’s asking four times then He must need my attention (I’m so hard headed).
So I put everything down and simply answered the question…well tried to, but I found it a little difficult. Truth is, when I first got the question over a week ago, I couldn’t answer it then either and it’s easiest to just ignore/avoid. So that’s what I did…avoided. But here it is again…“Lauren, who do you say you are?”
I am Lauren…I’m dope; full of love and light; super caring. i’m a good problem solver. i’m a beautiful human being with lots to share with others. i’m confident; I have a presence that is often felt, but not overbearing; I am Lauren…I’m empathetic – my heart is big; I’m a good listener with deep-rooted wisdom. I am Lauren…I’m goofy and a little awkward at times.
That took me a little time to answer, honestly. I know I’m a dope person. It’s just not always a fluid thought – but why is that? I think at one point it used to be, but it faded some when I started second guessing myself in everything I did and thought. I started caring more of how I came off to others and even what they thought.
We are quick to ask what others think of us or even who we want to be to the world, but WHO DO YOU SAY YOU ARE? I hope that question stays with you until you can answer it and its fluid for you. I kind of want it haunt you (and me). Not in an eerie way…I just want us to ask ourselves and know the answer. Its your truth. Your truth is to be treasured far more than who and what everyone else says.
We gotta affirm that which is inside and not just what others see in us. Because when we know it’ll be shown in how we walk, talk, AND how we think.
So…who do you say you are?
Snow days. First and foremost, I haven’t felt this freedom since college. Snow days were like getting an extra day back on your calendar. And these last few days, I’ve used it as my excuse to not leave the house. It’s been pure bliss my friends.
I’ve been able to knock out some wedding planning. Watch movies and specials. Read books. Reflect. Spend time with the fiancé. Talk and envision with self. Its been sooooo good. So very needed.
So a couple things I want to share:
The wedding is going to be bomb – celebration of the year (I’m claiming that)! We’re just really excited to celebrate with family and friends!
Bae and I watched Tiffany Haddish’s Showtime special – she’s hilarious y’all. It’s not an act – she just is who she is. I read another chapter of Issa Rae’s book – Awkward (y’all, I am her lol). I caught up on all the missed videos on Yvonne Orji’s Instagram page –she’s a nut lol, yet so inspiring. All of them had me yelling “Dope!” at the screen this weekend – like they are just who they are! I appreciate that. I’m inspired by that. They’re making a difference simply by showing up as they are.
I wanted to share a couple lessons I got from them:
- No matter how dorky, how crazy, how awkward you are – you CAN be you.
- The best you is the free you. (There’s no need to put yourself in a box nor operate in what others want you to be. When you submit to who you are and who you’ve been created to be, you can be you fearlessly and freely.)
- If you believe you can, who can tell you differently? (If you gotta dream, go get it!)
- Run your race! (No one can tell you how to live your life.)
- Find the good in everything! (The power of positive thinking and goal setting.)
- Know your why (Don’t forget what you’re doing it for. Let that be the thing that keeps you going.)
- Keep creating your passions and don’t make excuses for yourself!
We all need reminders and inspiration. Be inspired. Be reminded.
Live life relinquished folks! –
Last year around this time I was preparing to shoot and introduce for THE very first time “Relinquish Wear.” I just got goosebumps thinking about it. I don’t think the planning was too much. I think it was that pit in my stomach that was my biggest hurdle to overcome. Sharing Relinquish publicly felt like so much (even if it was only 6 people at the shoot lol). I felt like my head was on the chopping block or something. Ok, that was really dramatic. I mean it really just felt like I was giving so much at that particular time. And I was. I’m a pretty private person, so sharing can be challenging at times. I felt so much of me was built into the apparel and the thought of sharing with others scared me, not to mention the thought of them also not understanding Relinquish and the affirmation apparel. But I told myself when I first started blogging in 2015 that I was doing it for me and that was that. If I really wanted to do something I shouldn’t be questioning and making excuses, I should just be doing. So that’s what carried me forward. I wanted to start an apparel line, so I did. I gathered some of the coolest people my fiancé knew and the 2 people I knew and we headed down to the streets of Atlanta and just shot and chilled.
I wrote a note to myself in my phone “notes” app that said “blog about what it means to be all in.”
And now I’m like – uh…where do I start? *sheesh*
I write a lot of notes and unfinished thoughts on my phone with all of the intent of returning to finish them and post them like a good blogger would, but truth is, I get a great thought or pressing to really share something, and then I let time be the determining factor – like “nah, no one wants to hear that anymore.” I don’t think life topics ever expire, but sometimes it’s just a lot easier to tell yourself that. After the motivation or climactic moment has passed and your inclination to write has dissipated, just forget about it…
However, here I am and I know in this moment I can’t just “forget about it.” It wasn’t just a passing thought for me to cling to in one moment, but more of a thought that requires some greater digging because Lord knows the thought of being “all in” has plagued every aspect of my life over the last 5+ months. Whether it be my day job, RELINQUISH™ brand, friendships/relationships, whatever.
And of course, because it’s been a reoccurring theme I’m always curious to know where and how it started, etc. My guess is some of what I deemed failure in my day job, led to some mindset shifts and fears arising in other aspects of life.
The new job hasn’t been all that I thought it would and I haven’t been all that I thought I would in this new role. Talk about humbling y’all. Ya girl, thought she was great at everything and then I felt like I met my match. The crazy thing about it, I was whining about my job beating me up over the last months, but it was me beating me up. No one thing can ever overtake me. But I’ll tell you this – your mindset certainly can and will play a huge part in your success or demise. If you mindset says you can’t – then you can’t (simple as that).
So somewhere along the way I developed and fed these thoughts to myself – at least achieve average and your boss will get off your back; when I get to a certain point it’ll be smooth sailing and I’ll fly under the radar; just do it and if it doesn’t work out, you can at least say you experienced.
But there are so many things wrong with these ideas:
First, it’s easier to shoot for mediocrity because there is no perceived failure…at first. But if I have never been or seen myself as average, how in the world am I going to try and fit that mold now? That ain’t me and will never be me, and when you know you’re capable of more, you don’t settle simply because you can’t. Second, flying under the radar “feels” safer, but feeling and knowing are too different things. If I feel like this is enough, but know I’m capable of giving more than I am, then there’s no safety in that because I’m not being true to myself or my work. Third, doing something for the sake of doing it, isn’t actually doing it. If you’re going to do it, be all in.
So being all in for me right now means I have to change my attitude and my efforts. *Ugh* even just typing that makes me ache a little because I know there can’t be anymore “let’s just do a little” talk. I just keep picturing myself returning to the gym every day and doing reps with 5lb weights when I know darn well I need to be using the 50’s. If my effort isn’t matching what the task at hand is requiring then I’m not “all in.” If my mind is still questioning that which I already know the answer, I’m not “all in.”
Finding myself here is hard and I didn’t think I needed this lesson…like I’m beyond it for some reason or another, but truth is I’m not. I’m here. Working on being “all in”…yes even in the places that God has already blessed and given specifically to me. It’s hard, but having the honest conversation with self with where you stand and what you’ll do this day forward, does change things. There’s a lot of me not wanting to do stuff, but first and foremost what’s given to me is an honor, and also I’m an adult and nobody is going to do it for me. So its feast or famine, ya know? Your choice.
I was depressed.
So part of relinquishing is sharing – sharing the good, bad and sad.
And today, I cried and I needed it. I needed to remember where I came from and reflect on where I am today.
*I wrote this post 2 months ago and am just now finding the courage to share*
They started a series on depression at church today. I was a little surprised because I hadn’t realized the series I’d been attending for 5 weeks was over and to be honest it was so right on time, so I was sad we had to move on to another topic. But I felt a little something telling me to just tune in and listen even though I felt this new series on depression didn’t pertain to me. Afterall, it is a great topic to speak about (especially since depression affects the black community).
Anyways the whole time I was sitting there as if the sermon didn’t pertain to me really but as the pastor continued to tell his story I felt my heart growing closer and closer to his because I knew exactly the pain he felt; the loneliness he spoke of; the lost and trapped feeling he shared.
It’s been over 2 years and I’m just now coming to terms that I was battling depression during that time. The crazy thing is how seemingly great things seemed on the outside but how crumbly and broken and achy I was on the inside. I had no idea what I was going through, why I felt like I did. I just knew I didn’t feel much like myself and I was sad most the time.
I did this thing called closet-crying. Literally I’d cry in my walk-in-closet at the apartment I shared with my boyfriend. Whether you cry near your clothes or in a bathroom or in your car or wherever you do it…if you’re crying/hurting in private, you too are closet-crying.
I’d talk a little to others, but speaking things out loud to people didn’t really come naturally for me. It’s not that I didn’t have people, I just didn’t know who to talk to or what to tell them because I was having a hard time understanding for my darn self what in the world was going on. So I usually just remained quiet and stayed busy with all my activities but my energy to do those things changed a bit. I was always tired (fatigued would probably be a better word). I’d set alarms to get up but would sleep so hard I’d miss them. Probably because I was wrestling so hard mentally that I wore myself out which resulted in me having less and less…less to give to the day, to others, to myself, to work…etc.
I think my relationships is where I felt it the most..especially my boyfriend. Poor thing. I’m embarrassed to think about how many times he came to me addressing issues and needing feedback and how unable I was to give him anything except some tears and an “I don’t know. I’ll work on it” (which I almost never did). There were also times I’d go to places where I knew almost everyone but I’d walk in and feel like everyone was a stranger and they weren’t my friends. I specifically remember a campus event where I walked past tables full of my Sorors, mentees, classmates, friends, advisors, etc and couldn’t even bring myself to say “hi” because I was convinced that no one was nor wanted to be my friend. I acted out of character ALOT and would have out of body experiences where I’d see myself and know it wasn’t me, but couldn’t stop myself from blocking others off or throwing a temper tantrum over something trivial.
I didn’t feel like much of a friend to anyone…including myself.
It was all very strange for me. I didn’t seek out professional help because I didn’t actually know I needed help. But there was this one day in class when I couldn’t focus on anything they were talking about (this was common) and under the table I managed to type in “Why are people jealous?” in google.
Jealousy was one of my symptoms that I felt was really different for me and worse than it had ever been. So this probably marked the start of my “searching” period where I was tired of being lost and was thinking it’d be better to be found.
Slowly but surely, reading some of those googled topics and the psychology articles I found helped me to ask questions of myself and realize I wanted to find the root of where all of my symptoms were coming from.
I still never thought to speak to a professional at this point and I’m not really sure why – probably because I was independent and didn’t elicit help often. Probably because I was ignorant and still didn’t think it was necessary. Shoot…I really didn’t know any better.
Long story short I continued to deal on my own. And after another night of finding myself sitting on my closet floor crying and exhausted I asked for God to help me. He’s a good listener. And for about 3 months or so I felt I had this invisible helper with me that’d whisper and nudge me toward certain things like driving in silence and just letting things be quiet and peaceful. I also got the nudge to start letting go.
The hardest was my boyfriend. We dated since freshman year in college and spoke about one day being married, but because of the state of our relationship and also my inability to participate in it full time, it left us at odds with one another. We loved each other because we were best friends but the whole situation was hurtful and hard on both of us. We were graduating in a couple months and deep down we both knew we weren’t going to make it carrying on how we were. Not to mention I had a job offer back home in Cincinnati and he didn’t want to move to Ohio for several reasons. So that left me with my job in Cincinnati and him doing his own thing elsewhere. So we parted ways after we graduated.
That time after graduation was really hard at first because I was kind of isolated. Although Louisville wasn’t far, it felt distant and in the past most the time. One of my childhood friends was back in Louisville and the other was in the Cincinnati area, but I still felt lonely at times. I had my momma too but I still wasn’t much of a talker. I tried to keep myself busy mostly to avoid alone time with myself, so I decided I wanted to move and go into an MBA program so I reached out to advisors and friends and researched schools and cities and I had this excel sheet compiled with preferences. I got as far as doing a campus tour and even having a school call me, but she asked the fateful question of “Why do you want to pursue an MBA?” Although a very typical and expected question I finally faced several things at that moment –
- I have no idea why I’m trying to pursue an MBA
- I want to have a reason to move and start fresh.
(3 is the one that got me)
- I was AVOIDING something.
So when I got home I went to my computer and closed all the open tabs for schools and all of my started applications; I closed essays; I closed everything and said no more running. And that’s when I started taking things one day at a time and stopped trying to plan escapes and all of my future all at once.
I’m looking back now and realizing it’s been an eventful and interesting couple of years. I’m sitting in my car in the church parking lot now and still not clear on everything, but i know I’m supposed to be writing this out right now. I’m in a different space mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically. I’m so grateful for that, but I also know the journey continues.
I made it to church 45 minutes after it started and found myself sitting in that chair for a reason today. I needed to hear all of that message. I needed to remember and be reminded. And to be really honest, I tried to write down a couple thoughts and move on with the day, but a whisper told me to stay and write this out. So I’m letting it out. I’m sharing…